just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
