He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
