my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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