he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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