do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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