Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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