I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
