Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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