is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
