hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
