4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
