I showed him my bush... on skype.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
