I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
