More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
