I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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