sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
