Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
