Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
time to smoke my breakfast
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
