my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My bed smells like the plague
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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