trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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