Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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