you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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