You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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