i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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