He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
