why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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