mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
