I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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