I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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