I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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