I should be sponsored by Trojan
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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