You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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