I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
