We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
