I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
