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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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