He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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