I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
