when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
