A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
