I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
