My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
