yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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