eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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