He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The best revenge is premature balding
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
