I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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