Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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