If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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