When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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