Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
