Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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